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03 November 2008 @ 09:43 pm
Damn. I laughed. Politics.  
Recently posted on FB by someone who's here, too; author unknown.  No, it doesn't do anything to help with the "great divide" in our current politics, but it's funny anyway:

"Topical, funny, and only vaguely annoying.... "

Dear Red States:

If you manage to steal this election too we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico

Peace out,

--Blue States
neblazni on November 4th, 2008 05:10 am (UTC)
You're welcome! I originally got it from my aunt, who to the best of my knowledge is not on either Facebook or Livejournal. (I'd be pretty surprised if she was, in fact.)
Sue: let's do this thinggorillapotter on November 4th, 2008 06:05 am (UTC)
That is truly awesome. Esp. the statistics.

Personally, I'm all for the Republic of Vermont, and an independent Maine, or perhaps our annexation by Canada. Seriously, we have a ton of French Canadians, so we're nearly there already! (Note that while I have political opinions, they often have very little to do with the actual state of affairs.)
velochicdunordvelochicdunord on November 4th, 2008 06:15 pm (UTC)
Speaking from (ahm) relatively recent experience, have conditions of exit negotiated in advance tends to calm everyone down.

After Jean Chretien and the Liberals sheparded The Clarity Act through the Canadian House of Commons, clarifying by the terms and what kind of referendum language would be necessary for the federal government to recognize the rsult, the push for Quebec independence has fallen off the table.

It's also a generational thing; the current crop of young adults has grown up in a secular state, relatively secure about their heritage and with full access to the levers of power. They haven't had to kick over the traces in order to achieve success on their terms, unlike the prior two generations of Quebec francophones.

Current threats to Confederation are structural; Confederation is a looser arrangement than U.,S. federalism, with resonsibility splits deliberately different than yours as the initial arrangementts were made in the aftermath of the U.S. civil war. In the past twenty years, a realization has developed that there are many things that need to be standarized across the country (liscensing of doctors and engineers, professional standards for nurses and teachers); the implementation is coming from the provinces as they understand the benefits.
velochicdunordvelochicdunord on November 4th, 2008 06:18 pm (UTC)
I didn't finish the thouht. My bad.

So, if Obama isn't elected (crossing fingers, parties world-wide if he is, protests if he isn't) and before the yelling starts, I hope there will be some serious talk as to how to achieve the split without a war.